


Admit What You Want

by DoomedOTPs



Category: The Right Stuff (TV 2020)
Genre: Glennard, Jalan, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Slash, briefly, rating for mild swearing, whatever you call this ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedOTPs/pseuds/DoomedOTPs
Summary: Alan and John have a memorable conversation on the rooftop. The story is much better than the summary, I promise.
Relationships: John Glenn/Alan Shepard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Admit What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> THAT rooftop scene. When I saw it for the first time, the pause near the end had my mind screaming, "tell him you want HIM" before I realized that would never happen. 😭 I'm still trying to work up the nerve to have them declare their feelings. One of these days, I'll be able to just picture the characters and *not* the real people that they're based on... then I'll finally be able to write these 2 romantically. 😅 Enjoy!

He couldn't believe it. It turned out that they had postponed the launch for no reason! Their fears had kept him grounded. Two years of preparation for this one moment, a moment which would cement his place in _history_ , and it got delayed. To top it all off, the reporters had seen him in his fight suit. All he had wanted was one moment to smoke his goddamn cigarette in peace and now the secret was out; he had all but confirmed that he would be the first to go up in space. ' _Bet a lot of people thought it would be John_ ,' Alan mused to himself. He sighed. Being cooped up in this building was driving him nuts. He needed some fresh air. 

Alan walked into the room he was sharing with John, hoping to find the place empty. To his dismay, the room was already occupied by the man he despised most at the moment. John Glenn was sitting on the couch, probably about to rehearse something with that trumpet in his hand, and he seemed perfectly calm. It was the calmness that made Alan angrier. John was sat there like he didn't have a care in the world. John with his 1,000-watt smile, charming personality and loving marriage. He was sure John had never cheated on Annie and that the Major looked down on him for his indiscretions. _Damn him and his perfect image!_

Silently, Alan took off his robe and began to pull on his sweatpants. He was hoping his demeanor would ward off any effort to start a conversation, but no such luck. John began speaking to him almost immediately after he entered the room. "I know it's a drag, Al. I'd be mad, too." Alan smirked at the attempt at camaraderie. _'As if he's not enjoying every moment of my misery_ ,' Al thought. "Where are you going?" John asked. "Out," was the terse reply he received. 

"We're supposed to lay low," John said, as if Alan needed the reminder. 

"I need some air," Alan replied. 

"We're supposed to stay together. I don't like it any more than you do, but those are our marching orders. Al, I am your backup." Alan stopped and turned around, frustrated beyond belief that John looked so serene and was telling him things he already knew. The man was getting on his last nerves. He released a heavy breath through his nostrils and bit his tongue to keep from saying something that might start another argument. "There's a thousand reporters out there. Where would we even go?" John continued. 

Alan walked out of the room, not giving a damn about where he went, so long as it was away from John. The man had a way of getting under his skin. _But he did have a point._ Alan was already pissed off and was in no mood to deal with the media circus that would await him outside. Reluctantly, he began to head back to the room when he saw the stairs that led up to the roof. _The roof. Yes, that **would** allow me to get some fresh air **and** avoid John._ Having decided on his destination, Alan quickly took the steps, two at a time, up to the roof. He needed some peace and quiet because John was bound to come looking for him eventually. Sure enough, John managed to find him on the roof not 5 minutes later. 

"Well, it's peaceful up here, I'll give you that," John began as Alan took a puff of his cigarette. With his back to the man, Alan was forced to listen to John tell a story about his childhood. ' _What was he doing? Was he trying to comfort him? Did he want to try and become friends now? Too little too late_ ,' Alan thought. Something John said finally caught Alan's ears and he decided to turn around and respond. "What do you think, John? You think it was God's plan for you to send those letters?" 

' _Those damn letters again!_ ' John thought. It was clear that Alan was still pissed off and that he wouldn't let it go anytime soon. John huffed in amusement. He looked away as he started speaking. He couldn't look Alan in the eyes as he paid him a compliment; the smug bastard might manage to make John say something he regretted later on. "You know, you're a great pilot, Al." Here, John turned to look Alan in the eyes - so he knew how serious John was. "But I didn't write a thing in those letters that isn't true." Deciding to rub salt in the wounds, John continued. "You're not the right man for this job. And you wouldn't even be wearing that spacesuit if I hadn't saved your bacon in San Diego." It was John's turn to be smug. 

' _This again_ ,' Alan scoffed. Alan was spoiling for a fight at this point and John would make the perfect punching bag. The Lieutenant Commander knew that John didn't give into temptation easily - would most likely try to be civil despite the needling - but he thought he might be able to provoke him nonetheless.

"Yeah, but that wasn't enough for you, was it, John?" Alan walked toward the other man, until they were face to face. "To help me. No, you had to make sure everyone knew about it. That is exactly why no one likes you, John. You're a miserable, sanctimonious ass, and it came back to bite you. That's why **I'm** going up and you're **not**." 

Throwing his cigarette butt to the ground, Alan snuffed out the fire before moving past John and walking away from the conversation. Or so he thought. _Of course, John couldn't let someone else have the last word. The bastard was just as stubborn as he was_. 

"You really think anybody likes you, Al?" John countered. Alan stopped walking and turned around. John also turned so that the 2 were facing each other once more. "I mean, sure, you won that vote, but... it had nothing to do with affection."

' _Is that what the issue was? John was bothered because Alan thought it was a popularity contest and that more people liked him than they liked John? How very high school of him_.' 

"People may not like me, John... but they do wanna **be** me," Alan taunted before starting to walk away again.

"I don't wanna be you," came John's instantaneous reply. 

"You can't even admit it to yourself," Alan said as he got into John's face. And there was that swagger that John hated. Alan really was one of the best pilots he had ever seen, but the cockiness was such a turn off. The man could be charming when he wanted to be, but he had no reason to try and impress John. No, he seemed to hate John and loved provoking him. "But I know," Alan continued. "You wanna hurt me. You want something bad to happen to me." 

' _What was this now? Alan thought John wanted to **hurt** him? What gave him that insane idea? _' John pondered. At this point, Alan was close enough that John could see the whites of his eyes and it was very clear to him that Alan Shepard **believed** everything he was saying. He really thought John wanted him to get hurt... just to gain an advantage. The fact that Alan was convinced that John was capable of that type of malevolence shocked him. Something broke inside of John at that moment. 

"And I bet you'd love it if I just stepped on over the ledge there, wouldn't you?" Alan goaded John, walking toward the ledge as he spoke. "Took a little swan dive onto the cement? Of course you would. 'Cause then you'd be first, and that's all that really matters to you, John..." Alan knew he was pushing it, knew that John might genuinely take offense to the implication that he would take his sabotage to this level. He hoped that John would lose his temper and fight back - with his fists. Alan needed to blow off some steam and he couldn't think of a better way to relieve his stress than to finally duke it out with his biggest competitor on this mission. 

"... no matter how much you praise the flag or you thump the Bible-" 

"You're wrong," John interjected, turning away as if he couldn't bear to look Alan in the eyes right now.

"Am I? This right here is the difference between you and me." That got John's attention. "I say what I want, and I do it. But you, John, you sneak around people's backs like a lying snake-" Alan backed up toward the ledge and the concern on John's face became evident. 

"Al-"

"Have you got what it takes to stand on the edge?" Alan continued as he got on the ledge. 

"Al, step back." There was a tremor in John's voice that betrayed his tranquil demeanor; a slight edge of panic, evident by his audible swallow. 

"To be the goddamn hero that you keep talking about?" As his volume rose, so did the adrenaline pumping through his veins. Alan felt exhilarated, a sense of excitement overtaking him. 

"Al, get away from-" John extended his hand, hoping Alan would calm down and get off the damn ledge. 

"Hey!" Alan shouted as he batted John's hand away. Immediately, John put both hands up, as if surrendering or trying to soothe a spooked animal. Alan wasn't done yet. "Have some guts. Admit what you want." 

' _What I want? What I **want** is for you to get off this goddamn ledge and for us both to be safe. Of course I don't want you to get hurt. WHY would I want that? Can't you see that I care about you? You can't live life at 100 miles an hour. You're gonna get hurt and I **don't** want that! Yes, I wish it was me going up into space first, but that doesn't mean I want you to fail. I want your mission to go smoothly. I want you to return safely. I want- I want you! But I can't have you. And I don't want to see you parade around all your conquests. I want us to get along; I want you to trust me... I want you to want **me**!!! That's what I want_.' John couldn't voice any of these thoughts, of course, so he kept staring into Alan's gorgeous blue eyes. 

' _Admit what you want. Why did I say that? I can't even admit what I want, so how can I expect him to do the same. Sure, I've told him about wanting to be the first man to go to space and he's seen me with a bunch of the women I've bedded_. But they didn't mean anything. None of it meant anything. They were just faceless visions that sometimes haunted his dreams. He didn't love any of them. None of them challenged him or excited him; not like John did. _John, my green-eyed knight in shining armor. The one who wants to save me - even when I don't want to be rescued. I know I'm a great pilot, but I want to be a **good** man. A man you can be proud to call yours! But I can't tell you any of this... because if you turned me down, I might actually step over this ledge_.' Alan continued staring back at John. 

Neither man could explain what had happened to them in that moment, why they suddenly had these thoughts running through their heads. Seconds that felt like centuries passed, yet John and Alan couldn't find the courage to voice their thoughts and innermost desires. Forest green eyes were locked on ocean blue orbs. The spell was finally broken when John managed to speak up. "I can find love for you in my heart, Al. I want you to know that." Slowly, John backed away, arms still raised to show that he would make no move to try and grab Alan and lead him to safety. 

With something akin to disbelief, Alan watched as John walked away and left the roof. A pang of guilt alerted Alan that he may have gone too far, pushed too much. John would never return his feelings. He could never **be** with John, but he at least wanted him in his life. Alienating him by accusing him of wanting to hurt Alan certainly wouldn't make John want to voluntarily spend any more time with him than was necessary. No, Alan had to do something about this. Find a way to let John know that he trusted him and respected him, without using so many words. He was no good with words. It would have to be a gesture then, maybe when he's being strapped in and getting ready to be launched into space. Yes, his last words - his last non-mission-related words - would be for John. 

**Author's Note:**

> The dialogue is directly lifted from the show (no copyright infringement intended; it's all just for fun).   
> 💙💙💙 Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! 💙💙💙   
> Hopefully, other people will start writing for this fandom soon.


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